By Jon | May 19
Last month, my girlfriend and I decided to take a break from drinking. While never reaching any sort of “critical levels”, our consumption had definitely reached a point where it was affecting our sleep and our digestion (we’re not 22 anymore, amirite?).
I reached out to some of my sober friends for alternatives. A lot of them mentioned mocktails and other fun non-alcoholic drinks like a “bitters and soda” or simply a “soda and lime”. Beer was easy enough for me to give up, but there was something I quickly began to miss each night – a single whiskey after the kids went to bed.
Despite the taste, there’s something about the ceremony of sipping something slowly and winding down. While I pondered the alternatives, the great giant advertising machine in the sky heard my pleas and began showing me ads for “non-alcoholic whiskey.”
“You’ve got to be joking me,” I thought. “Nothing could come close.”
But the “let’s go dry for the month” challenge was underway and I wanted to figure something out. So I did some research and took to Amazon (which delivers non-alcoholic booze!) to try a few different kinds. First thing to know about these non-alcoholic alternatives: if you’re hoping to find something that tastes just like whiskey (as I did), you’re going to be very disappointed. None of these beverages has the same taste, finish, or mouth feel as your favorite whiskey. All of these drinks taste more like exlirs than they do whiskey. You can certainly tell where certain brands have tried to add more “bite” in an attempt to mimic the feel of a whiskey. All that being said, once I tasted a few, it was easy to narrow it down to a favorite.
I personally tasted each of these neat or with a little ice. However, the common idea with these NA spirits is to swap them out in cocktails or use as mixers. Once I adjusted my expectations to how these all tasted neat, I found the drinkability pretty easy to swallow (yes, dad jokes are always to be expected on CheapDad).
The priciest of the options, Monday doesn't really match our goal of finding you the 'cheapest but best' option. That said, it's worth a little extra here for the best all-around taste.
Like most others on this list, “Monday” boasts zero carbs, no sugar, zero calories, gluten free, and vegan. Their own description states: “Maturing in new white oak lends rich butterscotch, raisin, and burnt brown sugar to the nose. The palate is layered elegantly with roasted coffee, rich caramel, and warm molasses. Finishes long with spicy heat down the middle and hints of orange that linger lovingly.” This isn’t too far off.
Monday’s finish was my favorite. It was smooth, but with a little extra bite – different from the sharpness of Ritual’s offering. Given CheapDad’s mission of dinging you the “best, but cheapest”, it’s a little hard to make this the best option. That being said, in this special case, the extra few dollars are definitely worth it.
A great balance between taste and cost. Significantly cheaper than Monday but still a smooth drinker and great in cocktails.
Ritual comes in as the runner-up because of it’s flavor profile combined with it’s lowest overall cost. Ritual markets it’s flavor profile as “soft and round, with an aroma of toasted spice and caramel. Vanilla and oak pair with mesquite and stone fruit.” I definitely tasted the vanilla and stone fruit. As with all of these NA options, you’re not going to truly get that original “whiskey” taste you’re used to, but Ritual has a taste that’s good in its own right.
The sharpest bite of the bunch, Free Spirits has an incredibly unique taste. For my palette -- and my wallet -- I prefer other options.
Free Spirits is the most unique of the 4 bottles listed here. They market their flavor as “oaky-caramel nose, followed by a velvety-smooth, malty, brown sugar palate”. Honestly, it feels like a profile that can’t really figure what it’s trying to be. It doesn’t have the smoothness of Monday or the bite of Ritual. And at $37, it’s not going to win any awards here.
Lyre's is the outsider here. It's drastically different from all the other 3 and provides an incredibly unique taste that may be more your style.
I should have known what I was getting myself into with “Malt” in the title. Lyre’s really threw me off, as it had such a drastically different taste than the other 3 in this review. They describle their bouque as “honey colored, showcasing its complexity with scents of vanilla, sweet spice, caramel and accents of charred oak. To taste: Generously flavored of vanilla, toasted nuts with herbal notes providing a mellow & dry finish. The gently spiced length remains well after finishing.” The toasted nuts and caramel are really strong in this one. If the idea of a drink that tastest more “malty” suits your taste, Lyre’s is the one for you.